


'Extremely Dangerous, Do Not Touch'

by Allecto



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M, The Marauder's Map
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-02
Updated: 2014-09-02
Packaged: 2018-02-15 21:51:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2244645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Allecto/pseuds/Allecto
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>Mr. Moony thinks it is </i>just like<i> Mr. Padfoot to resort to </i>puns<i> at a time like this.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	'Extremely Dangerous, Do Not Touch'

"Bit boring, isn't it?" Mr. Padfoot said.

"Perhaps you should have thought of that before wiping the Map clean?" Mr. Moony was still feeling peevish, as there were a great many books he would have liked to access, and instead he was stuck, with Mssrs. Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs, none of whom were handling the situation well, and all of whom were contriving to get on his every last nerve.

Mr. Moony hadn't slept much since the Map project began.

_Mr. Prongs tosses a snitch in the air and catches it handily_

"You haven't got a snitch," Mr. Padfoot said. "And anyway, Evans isn't here, so give it a rest, mate."

_Mr. Prongs thinks Mr. Padfoot is a great wanker._

_Mr. Padfoot thinks Mr. Prongs has a swollen head and also he wouldn't know a beautiful girl if she hit him upside his overly-large skull—which Evans is liable to do because Mr. Prongs is a complete and utter—_

_Mr. Prongs thinks Mr. Padfoot deserves to be thrown to Snivellus for being such—_

_Mr. Padfoot thinks Mr. Prongs has something rather large, stiff, and pointy jammed up his—_

_Mr. Prongs thinks Mr. Padfoot is a right prat and also_ not _one to talk about having things jammed up—_

_Mr. Padfoot thinks Mr. Prongs is a complete and utter arsehole, ha ha, isn't that fitting?_

_Mr. Prongs thinks if there's any arsehole here—_

Mr. Moony sighed to himself. He really didn't want to take House Points—not that it would do any good, of course—but they were giving him a bit of a headache, and also, Mr. Wormtail, he felt, was on the verge of tears.

_Mr. Wormtail thinks—_

"Does he?" said Mr. Padfoot, which was completely unnecessary, to say nothing of cruel, but Mr. Wormtail was rather used to that, and at least it served to make Mr. Prongs laugh, thereby breaking up the argument.

"Stuff it," said Mr. Wormtail good-naturedly.

"But my dear Mr. Wormtail," said Mr. Padfoot, "I have been stuffed! We have all of us, in fact."

 _Mr. Moony thinks it is_ just like _Mr. Padfoot to resort to_ puns _at a time like this._

_Mr. Padfoot thinks Mr. Moony needs to loosen up._

_Mr. Moony desires Mr. Padfoot to make him._

_Mr. Padfoot is more than happy to oblige._

"Mr. Prongs," Mr. Wormtail said presently.

"Yes?" said Mr. Prongs, who was more than happy to turn his attention to something other than Mssrs. Moony and Padfoot.

"I think they put a bit too much of themselves in—that is, I haven't, Circe knows, any problem, but—are we going to have to see that _forever_?"

_Mr. Prongs devoutly hopes not._

_Mr. Padfoot thinks Mr. Prongs should get over Evans already, as she's probably old by now or dead or something._

_Mr. Prongs had no idea that Mr. Padfoot was able to keep track of the passage of time while he appeared engaged in more_ pressing _concerns._

_Mr. Moony would like to second Mr. Prongs's outrage at Mr. Padfoot's thoughts._

_Mr. Prongs would like the record to show it was not the_ thoughts _which outraged him._

_Mr. Padfoot would like the record to show that Mr. Prongs should mind his own business._

_Mr. Moony would like the record to show that Mr. Padfoot should mind_ his _business . . ._

_Mr. Wormtail would like the record to show that his mates are tossers and he never wanted to be stuck with them anyway._

_Mr. Prongs thinks Mr. Wormtail is a gormless fool who clearly has a faulty memory of First Year._

_Mr. Wormtail would like to apologize for failing to exclude Mr. Prongs from his former statement._

_Mr. Padfoot is far too busy with Mr. Moony to point out to Mr. Wormtail his multitude of failings, not least of which in that great number is his . . . his . . . Mr. Padfoot is no longer capable of rational . . ._

_Mr. Moony thinks he likes Mr. Padfoot better this way._

_Mr. Prongs agrees, though he wouldn't mind if Mr. Moony used a curtain or bedsheet or something._

"Where?" asked Mr. Moony.

Mr. Prongs shrugged. "Coudn't you find one in the Room of Requirement, or something?"

"And if we found one," Mr. Moony said, "how would we pick it up and use it?"

"You might think about it, is all," said Mr. Prongs. "For the sake of my virgin ink."

"Don't need a ragged old blanket," Mr. Padfoot said. "But I do need Mr. Moony, so if you _don't mind_ \--"

"But I do," whispered Mr. Wormtail.

Mr. Prongs just sighed. "Should've known how it would be," he said, "when Mr. Padfoot suggested this whole bloody scheme."

"Yes," Mr. Moony said, "so you should."

"Shut up," said Mr. Prongs.

Mr. Moony, being rather occupied with Mr. Padfoot, was happy to oblige.

Mr. Wormtail spent a very long time cursing Argus Filch, thereby displaying a vocabulary Mssrs. Moony, Padfoot, and Prongs would have gawked at, except that the first two were rather busy, and the third was trying (and failing) to ignore them.

_We, Fred and George Weasley, having rescued this parchment from the deepest depths of Filthy Filch's files, most humbly request that you reveal of what use you may be._

Mr. Wormtail straightened.

"Excellent," said Mr. Padfoot.

Mr. Prongs smiled.

_Mr. Moony thinks Fred and George Weasley need to work these things out on their own, though not, of course, when there is a Transfigurations exam the next morning, if they know what's good for them._

_Mr. Wormtail hopes they don't._

_Mr. Padfoot thinks if they are as up to no good as it sounds like, they will enjoy very much worshipping at his feet._

_Mr. Prongs thinks once they've managed some real bit of mischief, they'll have discovered all the secrets they need to know._

"I wonder," said Mr. Moony, "if they can tell me the last chapter of _Twists, Turns, and Total Transfigurations_?"

Mr. Padfoot hit him.  



End file.
